A Fool For Your Stockings
by ArtificialAorta
Summary: Clint gives Darcy one hell of a birthday surprise.


**A/N**: Happy Valentines guys! Here's a quick little fic for all of those who are also at home, getting over a cold.

Song title from ZZ Top's song with the same name.

* * *

"You know, this is actually really nice," Darcy said to Jane, sipping the her fourth flute of champagne and adjusting the cheap tiara on her head. They were sitting on the couch of Melody Simpson, Darcy's best friend since middle school. Around them sat pink balloons, cookies with pink icing, the remains of wrapping paper and a mostly eaten pink lady cake.

"Did you think it was going to be terrible?" asked Jane, diving in for seconds.

"Don't let Mel's baked goods fool you. Last time she planned my birthday, the cops came to break it up and I ended up in a jail cell for the night."

"Really?" Jane said through a mouthful of cake. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers.

"Yeah, cops came after a noise complaint then someone freaked out and planted weed on me. Worst birthday ever."

"But I bailed you out," Mel defended, interrupting their conversation by putting another present on Darcy's lap.

"You did," nodded Darcy.

"If you make this cake for me on my birthday, I don't care what drugs you plant on me," Jane said, practically licking the icing off of her plate.

"Thanks, I made the recipe myself." Mel preened at the compliment as she refilled Darcy's glass. "The trick is to puree fresh strawberries. Most people just add in chunks or frozen stuff but it's not the same."

"Mel's going to the Institute of Culinary Education for pastry and baking arts," Darcy recited the lengthy statement with pride. It had been a rather tumultuous ride with Mel since middle school. While many of Darcy's fond memories of those days were of sleepovers and time blown at the mall, they were intermingled with the flashes of holding Melody's hair back when she drank too much or convincing her not to shoplift.

It wasn't always like that. The drinking and breaking the law only started up after Mel lost her mom to a car crash their junior year of high school. Darcy had been there to hold Mel's hand through the funeral and through her rebellion. Though to be fair, Mel had always been a bit of a wild child, determined drag Darcy away from her computer for a bit of fun. In the end, their adventures brought them closer together- even if Darcy didn't agree with some of Melody's life choices. This included many deadbeat boyfriends and dropping out of Culver to follow one said deadbeat boyfriend across the country.

Despite this, Darcy knew that Melody would always have her back and vice versa. Still, it was nice to see Mel growing up, going to fewer clubs and actually pursuing something for herself. Tonight's birthday surprise was a testament to that. They'd had a spa day and went back to Mel's apartment to bake and cook for the incoming guests. Guests that Darcy actually knew and liked too.

Just as Darcy was about to open the present in her lap, the apartment buzzer went off.

"Are we missing anyone?" Darcy asked, looking around at the mingling guests. Most of Darcy's female friends from high school and Culver in New York were already there. Shrugging, Mel went over and pushed the buzzer to let up their mystery guest. Deciding to wait on the last present, Darcy went to eat some crudites in hopes to cool the thrumming in her veins that was partly booze, partly happiness. Her back was to the door when she heard a knock.

"Sorry ma'am, but I've been getting some complaints," an authoritative voice stated and Darcy's stomach dropped. Ugly flashbacks of drug fueled clubbing hit Darcy like a bag of bricks and she rushed over to try and convince the officer nothing illegal was happening. Instead, her voice caught in her throat when she saw Clint Barton in a police officer's uniform making his way into the apartment. He took off his aviator sunglasses, popping them into a pocket and taking a sweep of the room. Their eyes met briefly. Recognition and surprise flashed across Clint's face but it was quickly replaced with indifference.

"Uh…it's just us girls, officer?" Darcy said, not sure what to make of the situation. She was pretty sure they hadn't done anything to send SHIELD over in stealth mode. Not that Clint in a cheap police officer's costume was SHIELD's best work. Jane choking on a cookie was a good indication of that.

"Sorry ma'am, is this your place?" Clint asked, eyes moving up the tiara on her head. "Afraid I have to do a search."

"No, it's her's," Darcy pointed a vague hand towards Mel. "Do you have a warrant? _Officer_?"

"Yeah, in my pants," Clint stated, dropping his voice down and heading straight towards her with ill intent.

"Excuse me?" Darcy choked out, realizing something was very wrong. Suddenly, it registered that bluesy guitar notes were now blasting out of the speakers. Before she could process what was happening, she was being pulled into a chair amongst a whirl of excited squeals. As Clint stalked towards her, he threw off his hat and ripped of his shirt to reveal his sculpted pecks and abs.

Hoots and jeers flew out of the mouths of the women surrounding Darcy as they pulled up their own chairs. Her face was already burning up and she didn't need a mirror to know it was completely red. Just as she began to protest, Clint straddled her and rolled his body close. In complete horror, Darcy covered her face with her hands and squeezed her eyes shut, praying she'd wake up alone on her couch. When she peaked through her fingers, Clint was still undulating slowly to the beat of the music. His hands wandered to hers. Peeling her fingers away from her eyes, he tugged until they were splayed out on his abs and waist. He was warm and solid under her touch. Darcy shut her eyes again.

The fact that Darcy had her hands all over Clint Barton would normally have made her a little giddy. They'd occasionally have drinks with the rest of the team and very often, Darcy tried to run into him at SHIELD HQ. She had made her appreciation of Clint relatively vocal to Jane and as such, the astrophysicist often teased her. Hell, even Tony had picked up on the crush and joined in.

Moving away from her lap, Clint ripped off his pants to reveal a sparkling silver thong. That earned even more screams and someone tucked a few dollars into the side strap. Clint gave the lady a wink and Darcy looked over to see Jane grinning. Traitor.

Turning around and bending, Clint shook his ass. Darcy's stomach flipped. She wasn't sure if it was nerves or because her hands were now being pulled towards his rock hard thighs, which she may have dedicated a limerick to one late night in the lab.

The fact that Clint Barton was being paid by a friend to give Darcy a lap dance ran through her mind and made touching his thighs a little less enjoyable. How was Darcy going to look Clint in the eye without seeing him shaking his ass in front of her? Well…maybe she could live with that. Either way, she fantasized about being able to touch him for months but it never really played out in her head like this. Particularly with a loud, grabby audience throwing money at him.

Pulling her knees open, Clint slid up between Darcy's thighs until their chests almost touched. His hot breath hit her face in puffs and she gripped the sides of her chair painfully. Heart pounding in her ears, Darcy looked into Clint's eyes and found a spark of uncertainty within them. A twist of grief churned in her gut. Biting her bottom lip, Darcy kept in a cry of defeat.

There was no way she could convince Clint to go on a date with her. Her fantasies had been and would always be fantasies. It was clear from the look in his eyes that he didn't really want to be here. Pulling back again, Clint gave her an exaggerated grin. The song ended and switched a faster paced tune. This time, Darcy recognized it as _You Shook Me All Night Long_ by AC/DC. Clint began to give the other ladies much craved attention and Darcy's stomach dropped in disappointment.

A part of Darcy was angry she couldn't enjoy this. She'd been to a male strip club with Mel a few years before and had a pretty awesome Valentine's Day. This, on the other hand, made her feel a little dirty. And not in a good way. More and more bills were tucked into Clint's tiny thong and Darcy tried not to stare at his bulge. Her eyes moved towards his biceps and found that really wasn't helping either. Her legs clenched together to try and stop the warmth pooling in unwanted places. Despite the complete humiliation Darcy felt, her body was reacting rather positively to Clint's touch. It mixed with her realization that she and Clint weren't going to happen and bitterness rose in her throat.

By this point, Clint was in Mel's lap, tugging a dollar bill from her mouth. Pushing her feelings to the side, Darcy tried to laugh and clap along with everyone else. She hoped it wasn't too obvious that her heart wasn't in it.

* * *

The next day, Darcy was weaving through the halls in SHIELD's NYC HQ. Honestly, she thought it contained way too many acronyms but had thus far kept her complaining about it to a minimum. She was supposed to be picking up some paperwork for Jane but all the form names flew out of her head when she saw Clint. Their eyes met and Darcy stood still as despair gripped her bones. Not knowing what else to do, she twirled around and ran in the opposite direction. Not one of her finer moments but she really didn't want to reanalyze last night. She did enough of that as she lay awake in her bed, waiting for sleep to never take her.

"Hey, Darcy!" Clint called but Darcy dove into a closing elevator. Just as she was letting out a sigh of relief when the doors began to close on Clint's face, he pushed his arm in-between the doors and slipped in. Once again, the doors closed but this time, trapping Darcy rather than saving her. The elevator stood still, waiting for a floor to be picked and Darcy was trying to remember what floor was what. She ended up pushing a number randomly and cursed when an ugly beep informed her she needed to swipe her card for clearance she knew she didn't have.

"God damn it," Darcy muttered and Clint cleared his throat. She looked over to find he was wearing his normal combat gear and a frown. Darcy wished she didn't want to kiss him.

"Happy birthday," Clint said, surprising Darcy completely. "I didn't really get a chance to say it last night."

"Thanks," Darcy said weakly. She looked forward at the metal doors and they fell into an awkward pause.

"We should talk," Clint began and Darcy shook her head. "I swear I didn't know you and Jane were gonna be at that party."

"Look, whatever job you have outside of SHIELD is none of my business," Darcy said.

"Wh-" Clint began, raising his brow but Darcy cut him off.

"I won't tell the others if you don't want me to," Darcy continued, shrugging nonchalantly. "It's your business and you're obviously good at it so why shouldn't you earn a few extra bucks? You're…a very enthusiastic stripper."

"You were the first bunch of girls all week and I had free choice of classic rock. I had a lot to be enthusiastic about," Clint smirked and it made Darcy's stomach flip.

"I liked the classic rock. It was a nice touch. It was nice touching you too," Darcy cringed and covered her face with a hand when she realized the last bit was said out loud. She missed Clint's genuine smile. "Though you should work on your lines. The 'warrant in your pants' was kind of lame."

"To be fair, that was the first time someone demanded a warrant. You caught me off guard."

"Oh," Darcy cleared her throat, and wished for the elevator to crash and end her misery. When that didn't happen, she decided it was best to be supportive of Clint's career choices. "Other than that it was nice. I mean, I liked the dance. With a rock hard ass like yours, why not earn a few bucks having fun and showing it off? So, power to you."

"Uh, I don't normally strip. I was undercover was for a mission, but thanks," explained Clint. The elevator began to move again and Darcy didn't care where it was headed. She was going to leave as soon as possible.

"Of course," sighed Darcy, cursing herself. The elevator suddenly stopped with a lurch and the lights flickered on and off. Darcy decided she absolutely hated the universe. She began to push random buttons but they didn't light up. "Come on, you have got to be kidding me."

"New York under attack again?" Clint suggested and Darcy pulled out her phone, waiting for the automatic text alerts SHIELD sent in such occurrences.

"I'm surprised New York hasn't filed for bankrupcy with with all the bills they're racking up for fixing everything."

"I'm glad you liked my dance," Clint said, catching Darcy off guard again. She looked away from her phone and stared at him in bewilderment.

"You are?"

"Yeah, I was worried you hated it. You didn't seem all that into it at the time. I thought I might have fucked up."

"You were being paid by my friends to rub up against me. Doesn't really help a girl's confidence. Wait- fucked up what? On tips?"

"Well," Clint shrugged, shuffling his feet and now avoiding Darcy's gaze. "Not a lot of girls I've met are into dating strippers."

"You have not met my friends," Darcy shot before processing his words. She briefly wondered if it was his proximity that was making her a little slow or the embarrassment thrumming in her veins. "Hold up, date? You mean, like, me dating you?"

"Yeah," huffed Clint, "I've wanted to ask you for a while. If you wanted to go on a date. With me."

Darcy couldn't believe her ears. She looked at Clint and saw the hopeful look in his eyes and lingering sadness that anticipated rejection.

"I would have totally said yes," Darcy admitted, feeling her heart pound faster. They fell into another silence but instead of awkwardness, quiet delight bloomed.

"So…you think you can handle dating a dirty old stripper?"

"How long this stripper job gonna last? 'Cause I get jealous and don't think I can handle you grinding up against strange women every night," Darcy said, shuffling closer to Clint. Letting out a small sigh of relief, Clint smiled and took Darcy's hand in a loose grip, letting their fingers twine messily.

"Well, it's mostly strange men I'm grinding against," Clint stated matter-of-factly and Darcy snorted rather unattractively. It made his smile grow into a large, goofy grin and he waggled his eyebrows. "But I get to keep the outfits when it's over. So if you want a private show after our date, I have a cowboy number I'd like to try out."

"I could get into that," Darcy said, already imagining Clint in a cowboy hat, vest, chaps and not much else. They began to lean in closer until their noses practically bumped. She could smell Old Spice and a scent was all together Clint wafting into her nose. As he took her chin in his hand, Darcy was pretty sure her heart skipped a beat just seconds before his lips crashed onto hers.

She let herself get swept away in the kiss. As her mouth opened, Clint dove in. Darcy's phone clattered to the floor forgotten while she wrapped her arms around Clint. For once, she didn't care about her piece of technology. The butterflies in her stomach flew into a wild frenzy as Clint's tongue dipped with hers, pulling a moan from both of their throats. The experience was completely ruined when the obnoxious voice of Tony Stark spoke up.

"_Finally_. This will they, won't they crap was getting on my nerves."

Darcy and Clint broke apart to see the elevator doors open and revealing most of the team. They were staring with mixed expressions of delight and smugness. Apparently, the kiss had been so distracting that Darcy didn't feel the elevator move.

"I second that," Natasha agreed, crossing her arms and looking at Clint with a pleased smile.

"Yeah well, this elevator's full," Clint announced, leaning over to push the button that would close the doors. As they slid shut, Clint waved jauntily at the team.

"You got five minutes. Wheels up in ten," Natasha warned.

"I only need three," Clint told Darcy with a wink.

"Yeah… I'm gonna need the full ten," Darcy said, pulling Clint back into a kiss and not giving him time to argue.


End file.
